Dreams, Fears, Hopes

The (Un)Answerable Questions

In a slight continuation of last week’s post regarding fate and the question of things being “meant to be,” I’ve pondered these tough questions:

Would I be the same person if I didn’t have cerebral palsy?

My answer is no. There are so many qualities that CP has given me: strength; bravery; tenacity; resilience. Perhaps I would still be all these things if I were non-disabled, but not in the same way; which goes to say that if I were non-disabled, maybe my personality would be mostly similar, but arguably who I am is deeply ingrained in my experiences, and these experiences shape and mold my life.

If I were given the opportunity to be non-disabled, to have full and complete physical functionality, would I take it? 

Usually I cope with a question like this by saying something like, “My having CP is not going to change, so really there’s no point in wishing it to.”  It’s my way of accepting the reality thrust upon me, and focusing my energy on the things that I can control instead of wasting it on things I cannot change, but can accept.

Still though, if I were offered such a chance, in a universe where reaching my full physical potential was one hundred percent possible without a catch, would I accept it? 

I suppose my answer to that question would be yes. Rest assured it is NOT because I feel ashamed of my disability or embarrassed of it in any way. It is not because I’m trying to somehow fulfill unrealistic standards of beauty or appeal to the non-disabled consciousness and state of mind.

It’s because deep down I’ve personally always wondered what it would be like to walk without some kind of aid. What must it be like to not have to constantly be aware of the fact that I use crutches, and how I use them? What must it be like to move in the way that I want to move, without any kind of limit set on me by my own body? 

Ultimately, whether or not I would be the same person without CP is obviously impossible to accurately predict. Pondering about what life would be like as someone non-disabled is just a fantasy that I sometimes indulge to help me escape on the days it gets really tough. The environment arguably determines much of things, and then the rest is how I think unto myself.