Being Enough

Today is…you guessed it….World Cerebral Palsy Day. For me, it’s usually a day of reflection. I think about how CP has affected me, my life and the lives of those who love me. Some years I think, well, what can I say that I haven’t already said, especially on this blog? Other years I think, there’s always something to say. So, which year is this?

Right now, I’m thinking about what it means to be enough. Relax. I’m not saying I’m not enough. That thinking is so 2010s. You know, when I was in high school and I was coming to terms with being disabled. You might recall I found out about the CP when I was a kid. Eight years old, to be exact. If you ask me, sometimes I feel like I found out too late but that’s another story. If you really want to see my thoughts on that, see this post.

Anyway, I was still reconciling with the CP in high school. Yes, really. Think about it. What was going on during my high school years? Teenage angst. Insecurities on full blast. It was when I started to care more. About how I navigated the world, got around, about how people saw me and how I saw myself. I hate to admit it but when I said people, what I really meant was boys. Sigh. It admittedly feels pretty gross to say that out loud but it’s the truth. Those were the years of young love, boyfriends, confusing relationships that were far too much to handle and everything that meant. Looking back, I think I was just lonely. And through no fault of my own, I naively blamed being single on one thing.

Sheesh. I mean, gosh, if I’d only known what I know now. If I could go back and tell my high school self one thing….damn. I would’ve told her to get over herself real quick. Like, real quick. I didn’t really know it back then but I had a lot going for me. A lot. And I wasted energy being sad because I didn’t have a boyfriend? Really? Boyfriends come and go like subway trains. More importantly, boys didn’t define my worth. They still don’t. At all. I’d realize that soon enough. Also, calm down, you’re not peaking in high school.

Story time. Years ago, it was a beautiful day and I was sitting in the sunshine with someone very near and dear to me, who has since passed away. She noticed I was quiet and down. So, she eventually took a good, honest look at me, her gaze wrinkled with wisdom. She said, Why are you so sad? He’s just a guy!

Yes, I was sad about a guy. Mind you, this was when I was in college (forget high school! College was where it was at). Still though, the message was the same. And it was the way she said it, in her no-nonsense, frank Brooklyn accent, that made me laugh. Let me tell you, making somebody laugh when they’re sad is a beautiful thing. I often remember that moment and laugh, even today. Perhaps what’s more beautiful is that even though she’s gone, she’s still looking out for me and everyone she loved. And, you know, I think she’d really love the wonderful man in my life now.

Cerebral palsy is hard. Each day is a wildcard. Chronic pain, spasticity, fatigue….sometimes it feels endless. Frustrating. I suppose this is a reminder, both to myself and everyone else, that I’m enough. A little cheesy, you think? Well I don’t care. It’s true. I sincerely hope that my friends, both those who have CP and those who don’t, remember that for themselves, too.

I guess I answered my own question. I have cerebral palsy. You better believe I’ve got something to say about it.