Well, I’ve crawled out of my writing hole, finally, with a new blog post in forever! Oops. Don’t be mad at me. I was a little busy with finishing up law school, graduating, studying for the bar exam, and taking the exam. Yes, you’re right, it’s been quite the summer. Hectic, indeed.
In many ways, growing up with CP meant surgery during the summer. It meant hospitals, plaster casts, doctors….instead of carefree beach days and one too many melting ice cream cones on a hot day in the park. Ok, it wasn’t all bad — but it was tough. I wanted to be like all the other kids I knew and play until the sun went down but that was impossible then because I wasn’t like the other kids. Calm down, calm down. I’m just saying, CP sets me apart. Not in a bad way or anything. It’s quite the opposite. In case you haven’t noticed, the disabled community has a lot to offer, despite living in a world not designed for us. Living with CP is my reality. A difficult, uncompromising, unforgiving, beautiful reality. I just didn’t know it back then during those summers in the late 90s and early 2000s. So, I’ve accordingly ranked those surgery-filled summers (of course there were multiple) as being in the top five toughest ones to date.
Summer 2025 has easily catapulted itself into the top three of that list. Why? Because being a bar candidate meant waking up early every day and heading straight for the books to study myself into oblivion, barely taking breaks to drink water or eat….all an attempt to pass the exam and become a licensed attorney. Sound rough? No? Maybe read that again. And when I say every day, I mean every. Single. Day. Time blended together, it didn’t matter whether it was a weekend or a weekday. Whether it was pouring rain or the sun was out, brightly shining, whether I hadn’t seen friends or family in several days….I studied. Studying became a full-time job, just like law school. Sometimes it was very scary, the uncertainty of it. Would I pass the test on the first try? Was all my effort enough? Those questions played on repeat in my head daily. It took everything in me to literally stop those intrusive thoughts in their tracks and focus on what was in front of me. The whole experience isn’t for the weak, trust me.
I suppose I had tools to work through it, though. Like journaling. I started every few study days with a journal entry. Filled with my feelings, hopes, anxieties. I went old school, putting pen to paper. It was kind of nice, going back to my roots. I often think of the old days when I filled endless little journals with terrible stories, armed with a pen or even a pencil. No, I’m not putting myself down. Those stories were bad! It’s ok. We’ve all been there. Anybody who says otherwise is lying.
It was nice to see that no matter how long I go without writing, it’s still as cathartic as ever when I eventually return to it. Writing is a lot like coming home to something comforting and familiar. We can all use more of that, right? You got me. I suppose that’s why this post exists. My law school journey has concluded and I’m about to start working in the legal field, heading straight into the unknown. The unknown scares me. Yet, writing has always been there. Dare I say I feel a little better writing this. My writing will never leave me, through the good, bad, the very good and the very bad. What a gift.
Whenever I’m in my head, which happens a lot (hey, I’m only human), I tried to remember that I’ve been through scarier things than waiting for exam results and starting a new career. SDR surgery? The loss of a loved one? Yes, exactly. This will be fine. Growth is supposed to make me uncomfortable. If not, I’m probably doing it wrong or something. Like I said during bar study to no one in particular…. breathe. You’re exactly where you want to be.
For now, I’m super grateful that the test is in the past. I can exhale….at least until the results arrive. Relax, that won’t happen for a bit. While all the anticipation can be a lot and might eventually take its toll, I take comfort knowing that on test day I did my very best. And what a privilege it was to sit for that high-stakes test as someone disabled, the enormity and significance of which is definitely not lost on me. If nothing else, I can be proud I’ve made it this far.
While it’s a weird feeling that law school is over, in many ways this journey — and my legal career — is just beginning. It feels like I’m about to pass through the threshold to something big….if I can admit that without sounding too cheesy. It also feels like good things and days are ahead, even if they will be difficult. As I like to say, and as someone once told me, everything worth it is hard. I’ll try to remember that when I’m in the trenches. Honest. Promise. I promise I’ll breathe.
The Spastic Diplege 