Oh my God, hello. Excuse me while I scream is anybody out there into the void. My first post in months…oops. I’m probably more disappointed about that than anybody reading this. Let’s be honest. As they say, life gets in the way — what can you do?
March is Cerebral Palsy Awareness Month. I haven’t had a chance to post about it until now, though. When March is over…on April 1st…sorry! Lucky for you — and me, I suppose — my sentiments about March pretty much stay the same year to year. As the title of this post suggests, it’s a time to reflect. So, let’s do it. Hey, a day late is better than never. And no….this isn’t an April Fool’s joke!
My relationship with my disability frankly hasn’t changed much in the past few years. I think that’s a good thing. Feels like I’ve arrived at a pretty healthy place of acceptance. Of embracing being disabled. I can’t change it. As is also often said, it is what it is. A polarizing phrase, I know. The point is, the CP isn’t going anywhere. I might as well embrace it, right? It’s also just so much nicer to try and live a happy life rather than an unhappy one — trust me, I’ve tried both. Who wants to be miserable all the time when there’s an alternative? No thanks.
I wish I’d embraced the CP earlier. I spent a lot of time being sad about it. I can probably blame part of that sadness on going through puberty (yikes) being a broody teenager, then a (not so broody) young adult…but not all of it. A lot of that sadness can also be blamed on external forces and the way disability is viewed in and by society. Something to pity. A reason to say, I’m sorry. Which, by the way, has happened to me many times. I wish I’d replied sorry for what? Well. What’s the line? Right. Hindsight is 20/20. I mean, there’s a reason I come up with near-perfect comebacks in the shower after an argument. Never during one, unfortunately. Common experience, I hear. You know, crafting the perfect zing or retort with nobody to hear them but you. Tragic.
Sure, I embraced CP as a child. I also didn’t know I had CP until I was eight. Yes, you read that right: the tender age of eight. I accidentally found out about my disability. More on that another time. Talk about a shock to the system, right? That revelation turned my world upside down and then back again.
As a teenager, I started to care more. Probably too much. It was all downhill from there….I’m kidding. Being a teenager can be tough to begin with. Add cerebral palsy and the difficulties skyrocketed. I really don’t think I’m exaggerating. I’m definitely glad that era of my life is in the rearview mirror. A very confusing, awkward and angry time. Bye!
What else can I say about living with CP? I often wonder if I’d be the same person if I didn’t have it. One of life’s more intriguing questions. I likely wouldn’t be as resilient or strong. Or maybe I would be. There’s really no way to know. Well, except in my dreams after falling asleep but as we all know, dreams don’t last very long. Wild to think about — dreams feel like they go on forever but apparently only last for a few seconds. What a scam. I digress. I also think I probably wouldn’t be as unique without the CP. Really though, who knows. It’d be an interesting experiment — if I could live life for one day without a physical disability, would I want to go back to living with one? Answering that question feels like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Cliche saying, yes, but nothing else really captures the feeling. If I say yes, it’d be like ignoring the reality that life would be a lot easier as someone non-disabled. That’s just fact. On the other hand, if I say no, it’d feel like shutting the door on the amazing disability community I’ve been blessed to be a part of. So, do I take the cheap way out and leave the question unanswered? Or do I pick a side and stand on it? (No pun intended…standing and I don’t pair very well together. Ok, that was a bad joke. Sorry.)
I suppose my relationship with and outlook on being disabled will continue to evolve. I might look back on this in 20 years and feel totally different about the way of things. Or not. My hope is that I continue to be confident in my body and accept it the way it is. That question I pondered earlier is only a hypothetical, after all. What do you want from me? I’m a law graduate. We love hypotheticals!
The Spastic Diplege 