Four

The start of 2024 has felt eternally long. Is it just me? Anyone? Though it is officially February now. Hooray! Proof that time is moving forward. I mean, what else is it supposed to do, right?

Speaking of time, today’s my fourth, yes, fourth anniversary of having SDR surgery. It’s hard to believe. It went by so fast. This might sound strange but I feel like with every year that passes, I find it harder and harder to talk about my journey. I don’t mean that it’s too emotional or whatever. It’s more because I feel like I’m constantly repeating myself. What more can I say that hasn’t already been said?

Although I enjoy discussing my post-SDR progression year by year, there’s this quiet reality that lurks in the background: as time passes by, sometimes very little at all or even nothing changes. I’m learning how to be ok with that. Consistency. Routines. And sometimes, let’s face it, monotony. In terms of SDR, I’m coasting along. Which I’m grateful for, of course. That’s about it in terms of new things to say.

It was so much easier to write about SDR during those first couple of eventful years….2020, 2021, 2022. I basically learned how to walk again. With new legs. A new center of balance. A way to build muscle. Back then, my recovery and rehab progressed rapidly, in leaps and bounds. Like walking around with a single-point cane (I’m still working on that, by the way…it’s a process). Or hopping on a recumbent bike for the first time (that was rough. I was on it for less than 10 minutes and I was drenched in sweat. Yikes). Or when I filmed myself descending a staircase step-over-step, instead of using the same one leg over and over. That was also a big deal. Those years felt like the years of big SDR milestones.

These days, it’s more about the small victories, the ones that make up my day to day life. For example, last semester I worked a part-time job while in school. It was a lot for me. The commute to work in lower Manhattan took an hour each way…it felt like a victory every time I went to work and came home. Or when I went to work then sat through a three-hour evening class. It was so exhausting. I got through it, though. I suppose that’s a victory, too.

Another recent small victory is…drumroll, please…. I got my own recumbent bike for my apartment! *Cue applause* I got sick of shlepping to the gym all the way in Brooklyn (which is far from where I live now. Like, three subway trains far) to use those personal training sessions. Going back and forth was not fun.

Having a bike at home has been great, particularly because the winter weather in New York City has been horrendous. I hate the snow. Well, actually, I hate walking around and trying to get places in the snow. It’s really pretty when I’m staring at it from my living room window. Anyway, I’ve been trying to build up my time on the bike by adding a minute each time, starting with 10 minutes. I’m convinced that my bike is tougher to use than the bikes at the gym. It feels like there’s more resistance when I pedal forward. That’s a good thing, I think. I’m treating it like a good thing.

My point is, nowadays SDR has effectively taken a backseat. At first, I didn’t know how to feel about that. Sad, perhaps. Like a chapter of my life has closed. Now, I think it’s fine. Especially since I currently have so much going on. For instance, I’m over halfway done with law school! That’s huge. Like, enormous. Being a full-time student has totally shaped my day to day. That’s obvious, though, because how could it not? Law school is a significant investment of time, energy, emotions and money. Emphasis on time. And energy. Emotions, too. The whole endeavor can be isolating. Even more so because I’m physically disabled and as such navigate the world, being a student, differently than everyone else. Oof! Not easy, my friends. Not easy.

When I use the word “differently,” what I really mean is, “with way more effort.” Both things can be true. Which isn’t to say that my fellow non-disabled colleagues aren’t working hard. That’s not true. I see you and I know how hard you’re working, how hard you’re studying. I’m right there with you — I just have considerations that you might not have to worry about. It’s fine. It is what it is (not the biggest fan of that saying but it does a nice job here).

Take the past few days. I’ve been exhausted. What’s another word I can use other than that one? How about depleted. I like that word much better. Especially when it’s italicized. It’s much more dramatic. This is tiring. I’m Tired. Yes, tired with a capital t. It’s the next level up from just regular tired. You probably figured that, though. I just hope it properly illustrates the point I’m trying to make. Not very exciting, I guess. This reality isn’t new anymore, though. SDR. Even law school. Maybe that’s the point. And maybe this’ll be the last of my annual, commemorative SDR anniversary posts. We’ll see.